I never considered once how I might feel after my father would pass away. I always knew that I would/could handle the situation and then work through the emotions after. I always knew that I was a survivor. I am the caretaker. I am the decision maker. I am the strength in weak situations. I have always been an adult. I have always (well, almost) been responsible. I have made my life from scratch and I have the student loans to prove it. I pay day-care fees and work full time. I pay taxes and full premiums on dental appointments when our yearly maximum is met. I educate Corah with a little help from others via homeschooling. My calendar looks treacherous. My appointments are plentiful. In all that I do and have experienced over the last few weeks, I am grateful.

Aug 27
Saturday started out normal for our family. The Big E worked all night and slept the morning while the kids and I went to a soccer game. My parents went garage-sale-ing. We attended a wedding after taking the kids to my MIL’s. My parents enjoyed the day. Mom worked around the house. Dad worked in the garage. He was getting a generator together to finish the shed. After the wedding, we were supposed to go on a movie date. No kids, just us. It had been quite a while since our last planned/unattended date (April – back when Corah went to Riley). We were quite ready for this night. Sans kiddos. Of course for any special occasion, I did what all women do. I wore the more uncomfortable pair of shoes possible. I talked the Big E into taking me to Kohl’s to find a comfy pair. I tried on probably 5 pairs… found one. Then my phone rang. It was my mother. She was frantic sounding on the phone. She told me that my dad had stopped breathing and they were working on him. I had to ask her what she meant. She told me that they were doing CPR and had shocked him once. I hollered for the Big E and we left. I don’t remember much of the drive, it went by too fast. What I remember of the drive was that he was gone and it would be ok. I don't remember the sound of God's voice, but I know it was Him. He gave me comfort in the moments that were the most critical. He told me that it was his time and that He would take care of everything. We got to the hospital before the ambulance arrived. CPR was still in progress. It had been at least 17 minutes. It was not good medically speaking. We were surrounded by an amazing team. They did everything they could, but Jesus had decided that He was calling him home. All activity ceased and he slipped away. No pain. No lingering. Just gone.

Aug 28
We went to the funeral home to make arrangements for the service. It was smooth and too easy. Decisions came naturally. Family was called. They were all coming. The house was soon full. The next few days were blurry.

Aug 30
The viewing

Sept 1
The funeral

Sept 5
My birthday and the first day that we tried to resume some form of normal.

November 3, 2011

Now it's November, a little over 2 months have passed. It has been an odd few months. Each day passes by without him. He was such a center part of all of our lives. It is hard to put him on the back burner and live life. But we are surviving. So many people ask "how are you holding up??" Well, it's definately not me holding me up... It's God. He held me together with his embrace during the night my dad passed away and walked across the pearly gates. He held me together while I gave a eulogy at my dad's funeral. He held me together through moving in with mom. He has done the work, I am just a participant in His plan. I figured that being an active participant is the least I can do to survive.

In the coming season, our goals are to develop some form of new normal. We have a very unique picture of family. Our immediate family includes my mother. We live with her now. It works out well most days. We work, we homeschool, we go to and from the doctor, we go to preschool and swim clinics, and occasionally we travel. We are working on a new normal. Our routine is slowing coming together.
So in hopes of a new normal, this is our bucket list for the coming season:
Go look at Christmas lights
Eat too much at family dinners & feel no guilt –Life is too short to worry so much
Volunteer together
Cookies for Santa & Reindeer food
Give 2 “secret’ gifts to 2 special people in our lives
Fill Stockings
Make Advent calendars/stringed presents
Make peppermint bark & caramels
Ice skating in Lafayette
See 3D movie @ IMAX Indy – Polar Express?
See a play/musical/dance
Make a gingerbread house
Cut down our family Christmas tree
String popcorn/cranberries for the tree
Send out a new “awesome” number of Christmas cards
Make Hot Cocoa after sledding